Mullings By Me

The Royal Breakfast

2006-11-23T07:54:00.000+08:00

O! What a beautiful morning!
O, what a beautiful day...
I've got this wonderful feeling
Everything's going my way...

Bursting!
Bursting and swollen and
Juicy.

Like a full ripe round red blackcurrant
quivering, grinning,
singing!
And Juicy.

O, you adorable,
You Darling!
The wonder of Your craftmanship
Every morning anew
Toasty!
Golden rays oozing through the
cracks in my window,
Splat! On the wall
Tasty
Like royal breakfast
all laid out for me
for you
for ALL!

Pretty!
Like tinkling
bobbing
tiny
flowerheads
singing at the top
of their lungs
a Song
to me
to you
to ALL
who take the time...

to drink in the morning
to sink in-
to contentment
at a whole new day

like fresh dairy milk
creamy
like liquid pearl and silk
cupped in the King's own
golden goblet
studded with glittering gems
each a rainbow! By themselves
Sip! Drink
says He
to me and you
and ALL
who take the time...

to see
to feel
to realise
to appetise
the glory, the day
of TODAY!

Just today.
Taste today bit by
bit
Don't sit through
and take
burnt crusts
blackened and bitter
for breakfast...
lunch and dinner
Okay?

It is so easy
to wake up
sullen and stressed
hair chaotic and
messed
like Life
per se.
Nay!
There's another way...
God! Make me stay
like this
Today
Tomorrow
Every day
the sun rises and sets
high hot or wet
stormy, bright
or as cloudy as it can get.

Keep me happy
content
and rested
in Your Truth!
And may I
you
ALL
open their eyes anew
afresh
reborn
every
morn
to the smells,
tingling
bursting
sweet morning
bells...
Jump up!
Jump out!
Stretch
Let it,
the royal breakfast,
fetch
golden shoes,
armour
and cloak
to match.

What a day
it will be...
O' what a beautiful morning
breakfast
offered
by He...

- Sharz: 23/11/2006

Why Don't I Write Again?

2006-11-22T23:27:00.000+08:00

Why don’t I write
Again?
What stopped me before?
Laziness? Slothfulness?
Pitiful excuses…

What took me so long?
I scoff and shake
My head, rocks
Back and forth
As I stare up up
Above
At the the fan whipping
Swift circles swish swish
Above
my head, rocks
Back and forth
Like the chewing of a pen
Back and forth.

They get violently tossed,
Chewed, trampled…
Spat out or swallowed?
To spit or to swallow?
That is the question…

It has been more than a year
Long delayed,
A musty frusty, cobwebby comeback
I’ve made...

Phwoah...

2005-09-14T10:28:00.000+08:00

Yesterday as I was amidst emotional and mental turmoil, I opened the bible and Psalm 6 and 7 literally jumped out at me.

"Go away, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my crying. The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord will answer my prayer. May all my enemies be disgraced and terrified. May they suddenly turn back in shame."

"End the wickedness of the ungodly, but help those who obey you. For you look deep within the mind and heart, O righteous God. God is my shield, saving those whose hearts are true and right."

Phew... I seriously cling to Him...
Halfway through typing all the outpourings in the previous post, I suddenly was seized by His grace and cried out loudly. Just choked for a while, cried a wee bit. Then I was okay di...
Truly, I am truly in awe la...
He is Magnificent. Eternally. Wonderful. Glorious...
Jesus...

"The greatest gratefulness comes from an undeserving heart"
Indeed...

"But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, then the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, He gives FREEDOM." - 2 Corinthians 3:16

"You can be sure that the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with His comfort THROUGH Christ." - 2 Corinthians 1:5

Silence. Speechless. Awe...

2005-09-14T09:50:00.000+08:00

I feel so betrayed.
How can friends do this to each other?

Comfort me Lord, I am in turmoil
My heart is shattered and weak
I hurt; the hurt
Is excruciating and so
I claw for you, flail amidst stormy winds
O Lord Jesus
How did you stand being unjustly persecuted?
I stand in awe of you,
Your Majesty amazes me
I am weak, so weak,
Not like you…

This is a New Experience: A New Lesson

I often could not relate to the Psalms when David spoke of his enemies persecuting him. I thought I would never relate to that part of the Psalms… Now as I read the Psalms, I feel a whole understanding… The Psalms are now richer in my eyes. I see them as a whole… They speak to me, comforting me wholly. God is a Whole God. And He has unveiled my eyes that I too might enjoy His wholeness…

---

I was beginning to fall. I was on the brink of jumping off the edge, into the chasm of evil thoughts. They shrouded, thoughts of unforgiveness, bitterness; the old habit of Distrust was knocking on the door. If I let him in, he will ensnare me by the throat. He will spread in like spilled black oil upon a newly mopped floor. He will spread like a disease, smiting everything in his path with cold, cold, sneering fingers. He will grasp in his hands and crumble into dust everything I have built with the help of Christ. He will leave a trail behind him... The spread of evil is so easy, so fast, so destructive. I am drawn like a doomed moth to the flame. And the Evil One beckons… I smile cynically. It is so easy...

But as I began to tip over, He reached out. “Come back, Child, my child.”

My feet were so heavy, my heart was a rock. I wanted to fall over, I wanted to indulge; let myself be smothered by bitter thoughts, evil thoughts. Let me revel in feeling good. Let me fall off the cliff. Let me immerse myself in pleasureful thoughts. Let me give them what they deserve. It is so easy…

“No. My child, you will return to me.” And He reached out and touched my cheek. I turned to look at Him, steel in my eyes. Let me go. I want to wallow.

“No, my child. You will not.”

And as I stared at Him, I felt a flicker. A tiny spark of warmth. And I felt my heart begin to beat again…

I looked into His beautiful eyes and my heart melted. The sorrow of the world, the pain I feel, reflected in His beautiful eyes. I reached out for Him, fear suddenly seizing me. No! Jesus! Save me! As if awakened from a blinding slumber, I start.

I see the pit and terror strikes through me. Jesus! I claw. I want you to save me!

Jesus! Save me! The ground crumbles away and my feet slip. And I look down into the deep darkness, my heart twists. A sudden lump bursts in my throat and the tears stream. Waves of emotion surge, jerking my body. I am blinded as I choke and I sob. Like a baby… as I am gently, gently enfolded into His arms.

“Shh, my child. Shh...”

I release my angst, my despair. I pour out my woes to the One who always listens, always comforts. He strokes my hair. “Shh…”

I am sorry… I am sorry… Jesus…

I begin to tremble like a leaf. My body shakes in agony. I cry out from every pore of my being. And He hears me. How can this be? How can you love me? Oh my Lord…

Jesus…

Jesus…

Jesus…

I am sorry.

I rest in His arms. I find comfort. Comfort the World does not know. I bury my face against His chest. My hands grip handfuls of His silken robes. My tears leave and I put my arms around Him. I hold Him close and He doesn’t let go until I break away. I look into His eyes again. He smiles. His beautiful smile, His beautiful eyes smile…

He begins to stand up and He lifts me to my feet. His smile broadens and He picks a stray leaf from my hair and flicks it away.

Then He places His hands on my shoulders and turns me around, my back facing him, away from the cliff’s edge. He stands between my back and the cliff’s edge and He nudges me forward, and guides me firmly by the shoulders until we reach a little dirt path, half hidden amongst the thick flora. My heart jumps, and I laugh in delight and clap my hands in excitement; it is the path I lost. Now I can find my way home! He laughs too, His beautiful eyes sparkling. He joins me by my side and takes my hand. And we walk home… together.

I was lost and He found me.

I was angry and He was patient.

I was obstinate and He was persistent.

I was so dirty… but He let me cry into His white robes.

I am so undeserving… but He walks with me, holds my hand.

I am speechless Lord Jesus, as I cling to you.

Never let me go.

Back Down on the Battlefield

2005-05-11T17:22:00.000+08:00

(To be submitted for the upcoming Kemayan ATC A-Levels Newsletter, 'Laughter & Tears')

I can hear clean banks, clear waters,
The way Rosa’s brook merrily flows
Young leaves playful, cutely tussling
Gentle rustling, a sweet wind blows.
Baked goodies, rich jams, juicy hams,
I smell home.
Home! Take me home, O’ gentle breeze!
Guide this weary, wounded captain
My breath sparse, a wheeze, it chokes
My breath fights to leave.
To live! Ah, the greatest, greatest challenge
Have I lived? Life…

Of smoke, my tunic still reeks
Of the burnings of flesh, crisp
Blackened flesh, the screams…
My heart has long but smouldered away
A hole, nothingness, a wisp
My fingers do not stop, they cannot stay
Trembling, trembling instruments
I cannot command them
My hands are commanded by another.
And the bloodied, damned hands of others
I command.
No tears.
Another’s burden I’ve shouldered.
I fight for another. Why?
For my Land? For these mounds of black sand?
Mounds of rot, grime, muck!
Ashes everywhere! The sky dim,
Stained waterways clogged with
Every kind of severed limb.

Home I left. Too young and for too long!
I’ve forgotten the songs, the smiles
Home I left with a heart full,
A mind strong, proud
Confident my fight would be
For my King! To serve, to follow
Victory I vowed to see!
I would grasp it, taste it,
Lick it off the backs of my enemies!
I scoff.
So young he was, the boy I do not remember
Or understand anymore.
I scoff at him!
I shy from him…
Where are your bright eyes, boy?
Where is your unscathed white skin?
That wide grin? That eager spirit?
That ridiculous guffaw?
You do not remember it.
Of it you have no memory.
Of me you have no memory.
We are familiar strangers.
I am new to you.
I see the shimmer in your eyes,
your horror reflected when
You see me and I am you, defected.

I have been another’s weapon,
For too long…
Demanding little fat kings squabbling,
Fighting with all lives but their own.
Orders brashly shouted from brazen thrones
Young boys and old men, weapons of choice
And I stupidly followed, that selfish whiny voice…
I am not a boy anymore.
Neither am I a man.

All around the corpses of trees stand majestically, gallantly
Stripped of all their glory
But not of their honour
For their hearts remain pure,
Untouched.
Only they can call themselves true warriors.
The silent heroes who hung on for dear life,
For life will be dear once again, for
Them the skies will clear,
And they will see green once more.
They are the only survivors of war.

Here I lay, half my being but melted away
Back down on the battlefield,
Alongside the broken horn of yield.
Surrender means The End.
Laughter as silent as night sky above,
Tears as dry as a murderer’s cup of love
Scoffs of derision,
Humans the most intelligent,
the ones with Divine mission
Yes, human brilliance and its exploding ambition
Charred remains all around, like carcasses of animals,
slaughtered only for the prize.
I feel no pain, not anymore
Only a dark dark sorrow, too deep and too sore
I’ve been waiting. Finally. No more tomorrow…
He’s taking from me what I stole from others,
From the sons of the screaming mothers.
Take me home, to the Eternal home
Of flames. Where I belong…

In the East, a faint glow
I look up and
On a black branch above, a tiny bluebird decides to sit
I smile. Darkness shrouds
And I see the beckoning fingertips of those whose throats I slit…

Snippets from my first (hopefully) attempt at a semi-fantasy, semi-biblical novel.

2005-04-12T21:34:00.000+08:00

(Currently Untitled)

There is a mountain high above in the clouds. It is higher than any mortal or immortal dares to trek. Upon this mountain, at its very peak, there is a kingdom. No one mortal has ever seen the place and lived to tell of what he had seen. Yet, word of it has walked the land almost as long as Time and Life themselves.
Some who hear deny the kingdom’s existence. Some think nothing of it. Those in far off lands claim it a legend, both it and the stories of its king; mere bedtime stories.
Some call him a failed king, once sovereign ruler and supreme power but now defeated by his own subjects. They mock him. Every day they sit and drink and mock him mercilessly.
Some plot against him. They plot to murder the last of his kin, his only son, whom the king has sent out into the land to seek shelter and whom the prophecies claim to be the Wielder of the Sword of Deliverance, the Saviour of the Land.

But there are those, a minority people, a tribe of scattered powers and mixed breeds, who still believe in its existence and who honour its King. They abide by the rules of The Book (So I can’t find a proper name for it yet, sue me.). They are the members of the Tansër Tribe. And this is their story…

---
Birds chirruped. Glittering rays of morning burst through the trees; like millions of golden spotlights shining down upon the dazzling dance between early morning breeze and the dark brown tresses of Miën, daughter of Briën, as she sat cross-legged and barefooted beneath the twisted, shady boughs of Bënny, one of Havenwood’s grandest Dakhwat trees.
There are many handsome trees in the Haven but there are only less than a hundred of the Grand Dakhwats left and these comrades of the Tansër Tribe have stood courageously for centuries. Wars were fought around them and cities built and burnt. They are ancient companions of past heroes and are said to hold the secrets of the Ages within each layer of bark.
This particular Dakhwat, under which 16 year-old, rosy-cheeked Miën sat, was exactly 5000 years old and was the young lass’s favourite. It had been named ‘Bënny’ by Miën’s mother who died when Miën was 10.
---

“Why do I serve a king I cannot see or hear?”

“Our lives are so much more than we know. You read the scrolls, the stories of great kings of past and evil sorcerers defeated and Good triumphing over Evil..."

“This journey never ends. It will never end, not until Death smites or the King returns. Do not give in. Be strong.”

“My grief is too deep. You must go on without me. My tears blind me and my sorrow suffocates. My heart is wounded beyond all capable healing. Leave me. Leave me!”
“I give you the night to rest and to have your cry. But come dawn, we leave. Together.”

"You claim to be his son? Prove it."

"He will lead this journey! I do not know what your prejudice is based upon but your pride condemns us all. Why do you embarass me? Your ancestors? Your tribe? Why do you embarass yourself? Your selfish issues have no place here. Deal with them! Do not let them consume this mission and it has you. He guides our people tomorrow. He may very well be our only hope. Our last hope..."

“He gave you this land, and you have raped it. He gave you Life and you have ravaged her. You murdered his son and denounced him from your hearts. Yet he calls you his people, his children. He loves you with a depth incomprehensible to undeserving mortals such as ourselves. And I do not fully comprehend his grace. But I love him. I have sworn my life to him! I come here to deliver his message, his command. You do not have to feed me with your hypocrisy; you do not have to like me, you do not have to welcome me! But you will listen to me. I will deliver my message and you will listen! Then I will leave your wicked city and shake the dust from my feet as I go, but you…will…listen…to…me.”

---
I dedicate this novel to my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ and my Father in Heaven.
Will pray and continue to work on it. ;-)

Started along one Road but has gone down another…

2005-04-12T20:46:00.000+08:00

(Referring not only to the “deeper truth” behind this spur-of-the-moment-outpouring but also the fact that it began as a poem but has revealed to me truths and revelations so spectacular and poignant that my fingers literally skimmed over the keyboard and turned my attempt at poetry into a message that Jesus wants to say to all of you. He loves you all so much, you cannot even imagine. And you and I know both know that we take foregranted that truth more often than we allow ourselves to admit or recognize. We are so unworthy; do you have any idea? But the fact that He’s still there, patient, is beyond all human comprehension and deserves to be acknowledged with all the heart and soul we can possibly gather and lavish upon any one deserving point of focus. For He is not Human, He is not an object, He is not feelings of happiness nor is He the cause of bitterness, He is not ‘here’ or ‘there’. He just Is. He Is.)

Annoying.
How much of you I dream.
How much I seem
to let bruised emotions stream
away; in colour, in picture, in mind
Sleep; a big black hole
Wherein my soul
Claws for solid ground.
Will you not leave?
I pray if this is not the way
He’ll not let me grieve
until my heart is all but blown
away, away; and I’ll patiently wait
for that day, that day…
Were my vows to myself worthless?
Again and again my walls are breached
Common foes, so familiar
I am ruthlessly besieged
by; By and by they march
scornful, prideful, aware
that from within I helplessly stare.
Begging, pleading…
Again and again I put myself
In the line of fire, I wait
Bullets to the heart, afraid?
Nay! Angry I am. Furious!
Terrified…
I am so lowly, so lowly…
Even if I approach so slowly
Crawling. Groveling. Crying tears of red…
I am a worthless bit of dirt.
With the World I flirt. And beg to be taken into its
cursed arms instead.
Into the arms of the World, I long to be enfolded
So foolish! So foolish! So foolish!
So deep I drive the knife into the heart
of the One whose arms are loving and pure,
One who welcomes and does not lure
with empty temptations but invites…
and hopes that we will one day be convicted
and allow Him to cover us, to love us,
so sincerely, so honestly…
Unqualified forgiveness. Love which flows so deliciously
Like a waterfall of rich chocolate, beautiful in
taste, sight, sound, a million shades of compassion
Perfect.
The one thing in this world perfect
is our ability to make choices.
But still we insist on the Voices
Dirty little fingers prod us
Teasing, seducing, so coy.
Inducing us, puppets,
Tangled wooden toy.
Why do we obsess?
We crave tangible proofs of success
Will the world we know last forever?
What is forever?
Will Death rob us of Forever?
Money, power, a renown name
All the same! All the same!
Do we really know the world?
It is never enough is it?
Achieve your dreams!
What are those dreams?
Will achieving any one of them
bring you enough satisfaction
that you will not seek, want
more? More, more, more!
It will never fill you know,
The storeroom will never fill…

(to be continued…)

Silence.

2005-04-12T20:43:00.000+08:00

What is this feeling in me?
Vastness, hazy and fogged
Not empty, just blurred
Like colors melted onto one giant canvas;
I feel like a watered watercolor painting.
My steps float, my words slur
My hands weak, I strain to coherently speak
Pale colors, barely seeable
Faint shades, almost invisible
All taste gone, diluted and stale
Too much water thins the paper
Makes it delicate, frail
Not much chance to fail,
little strength needed to tear.
My head rocks, sways, swirls
Throbs…
Throbs harder, harder, HARDER!
Like bright burning explosions
Booming. Banging!
Like furious fists smashing within
Screaming to be released!
Shrieking for the diseased!
Screeching for the deceased!
Hands to ears! Eyes wide, horror,
Blood spurts, ragged patterns of red spatter…

Silence…………. . . . .

Dust clears.
Ruins remain
Ruins, remains,
Stillness, fears,
The crimson stains
Drip with defeat.

A little wind blows
Grey with ashes and death
Spiraled smoke dances
Treading the air like a ballet dancer
Blackened bare arms waving gracefully

I smile.
You died to save me.
I now die so your death is not in vain.
I allow myself to be saved.
Born again.
Your silence, patience
Taught me more than the
Chatter, the Noise, the
Words of the World.

Lord, take broken, shattered,
barenaked little me into your hands.
I cling to your robes. I kiss your feet.
I sob tears of crystal as you take me down the golden street.
How could I ever leave your arms?
So safe, so kept away from all alarms.
I know this is right, what use is there in the Fight?
We struggle, we kick, we hurt ourselves.
There is only One Truth,
One Surrender.

One Holy Defender…
And He is on my side.
In silence I come, no words necessary
I’ll walk the Walk and when beat
I know my wounded feet
He’ll carry…

Amen.

Blessings: My Answers from Him

2005-03-21T21:49:00.000+08:00

I am bubbling with love. It is an extraordinary feeling after such a long wade through swampy waters. I feel as if the waters are getting clearer. Not crystal yet, but significantly clearer.

A transformation. I woke up today feeling nauseated and sick. I let my eyes close again and when they opened again, the world was in colour. Revelation swept over me like a tidal wave, sweeping away doubts and obstructing barriers. When things fall apart, often I retreat into a little shell, trying to escape but always failing. Foolishly, I beg for signs from God but without any real fervency. I beg for signs of His Grace, His Mercy, signs of His presence. His "wonders". It is my own folly that I brushingly, routinely, request what I so desperately long for.

But He still forgave me.
And today, He greeted me, come daylight, with realization so breathtaking and awesome that I feel like hugging Him so tightly and never letting go. In fact I feel like jumping up and down now. Urgh. I want to hug someone.

*Goes outside and hugs Mommy who is on the phone with Sally. Comes back in, sits down and continues typing...*

Friends. The word, the vastness, the depth of its meaning is incomprehensible. It is divine. So simple a word, sometimes taken so foregranted. But so powerful. So powerful. If its true value is grasped the way He intended then no flowery adjectives are required and no empty words are deserved. Just simple and pure. Friend.

Mook Chen, Wilson, Joel, Daniel, Oliver, Claire, Caroline, Noel, Tim, Cassandra, Loo Jolene, Lay Chen, Jennifer, Mabel, Pr. Lydia, Mommy, Daddy, Gary...

Just by being there. Just by being there for me. For each other. I see God's light shining from within all of you. It is a beautiful sight. You have no idea.

God inspires me through all of you. I believe if we open our eyes enough there is something in everyone that can inspire us in one way or another. That's the factor which births compassion. There are so many others who have touched my life, if I didn't mention you don't feel dishearted, I will always love all of you, any of you who are my friends. My friends are my blessings straight from Him. Tangible, visible, audible, huggable blessings.

Under construction we are. We build each other up. Know and always remember that you have helped build this character up and that anytime, anywhere, this character is willing to reciprocate the favour.

I have yet to emerge completely from the waters. But when I do, I shall stand triumphant with a smile on my face and with Jesus by my side. I shall gaze back at the mud and muck He helped pull me through; so patient, so persistent He is, even when I just sat there like a jackass and refused to budge.

I will uphold my victory to Him and then I will turn my head and look back no more. Hand in hand we shall continue the journey; the journey of my life here on earth and beyond. I see bigger swamps, perhaps even oceans, coming my way. But I shall learn from this little obstacle overcome and maybe the next time, I'll take a boat.

;-)

Aye.

2005-03-19T10:29:00.000+08:00

Submission is key. Hm.
I struggle with infernal dead knots, crying as blistered, bloodied fingers pry; desperate, desperate...
Under construction we are. An eternal renovation, refurbishing process.
Submission is key. Imperative. Submission is key. Pride is the lock. Submission is freedom...
Aye, submission is key.

Melted Butter...

2005-03-14T12:31:00.000+08:00

I don't know what I am feeling now. I cannot separate any one emotion from the next or any other fact from feeling. I am like a doughnut laying still, frying in butter. (I don't know why the sudden analogy - maybe frying influenced by weather? Hehe.) I am lethargic in mind, body, spirit and soul. It is an inexplicable state, a disturbing combination of vagueness, blurness, haziness, exhaustion...etc. What is this feeling? I have given up trying to discern it. I can no longer understand it. They have meshed into one monstrous entity; a virus.

I know what I have to do. But I cannot move my body. It is separated from me. As if a thin, wispy, membraneous film is present between my body and my mind; somewhere between Resolve and Execution. Thin it may be, this film, and translucent enough for both sides to see each other; but I cannot remove it. I know only One can assist me. But it is a vicious circle. Like a washing machine gone loco; tumbling, tumbling, round and round I go; with each tumble the bruises intensify. I am broken.

Guilt is so tangible. I can slice it with a knife and eat it. I can taste it. It is so sharp the taste. Every bite is painful. It is addictive even though I know it is destructive.

I need saving. I fall at your feet! Jesus! I confess it all, my worst enemy is myself. The high standards I set for myself with the intentions of improving, growing, setting me down the right path, are the very snares which have now stumbled me. I ran too fast and got caught in my own nets. I need saving. I need rebirth. I need to clear my mind. I cannot renovate (Yes, I too want it JC. ;]) without a strong base and a clear head. I can no longer travel the sands of the earth in these shoes, I will fall, I will sink. Quicksand.

I need to identify one at a time. Help me to identify each problem separately. Unlink them. I need a makeover of the mind and you're the only artist I want Lord. Help me to start today. One baby step at the time...Please...

Please.

Listen, He Cries...

2005-03-11T01:01:00.000+08:00

A lone figure sits
Dejected, defeated
He slumps; his back
heaves, shudders so
faintly repeated
a shaky rhythm
Weakly, thinly,
scarcely...
Pitifully, but no!

His bed is sunken,
provides no support
No comfort
in soiled sheets, thin;
tough as overchewed,
overstretched sinews,
millet-crammed sacks; the heavy head
bangs. Hurts. Cradled in
pickled hands.

The stars burnt out;
the twinkle extinguished, snuffed out;
Darkness shrouds all about, emptiness
Encompasses, engulfs, taunts,
cruelly salts...
the wounds too deep, infected
by me, myself!
Defected dreams! Hah!
Once intense the fire, roaring
Conquer for me me me!
Pride puts up weak a defense,
whispering excuses, mind-twisting
words, supression
Tweaking, perfecting an innocent expression
Hypocrite!

Eye for an eye. Nay! I cry...
There is a log in mine
Lie! Where is your conscience?
I make my decisions conscious
but blind.
Self-inflicted self-incapacitation
Foolish! Hopeless? My kind?

The room is dim, dust clings everywhere
A chill exists, seeping into
tired bones, aching, aching,
Uninspired stones, lifeless
He sits. Alone.
Defeated. Dejected.
Slumped.
Pitiful? No!

He cries from the depths
But he utters nothing.
Pride barricades
Pride ruined, it triumphed
sucked dry, dammed my life
drained all spark, left dust
His fingers tense, stiff claws;
Pretense not present in stance
Chapped lips quiver...

A single drop of saltiness
it falls, drips,
Evaporates.
Poof...

But
Listen, he cries...
A tiny quiver; another drop
falls, shatters.
Cracked, they part
A tiny shiver, a tiny whimper
reveals the past.
Like golden strings strummed
in tune at last
After many discouraging tries,
Beautiful is the sound of a man
humbled...
So listen, he finally cries...

Elated.

2005-02-21T18:06:00.000+08:00

"Dear Shari,
Recently you participated in our new Youth Web Words poetry competition hosted by VoicesNet, the Voices Network, at www.voicesnet.com.
During our contests, we receive thousands of poem submissions from talented writers from all around the world. All of the poems that are submitted are read and reviewed by our judges. The finest poems are selected for publication in our Web Words Youth Poetry Competition books.
It is an honor to inform you that your poem, "YOU KNOW NOT HOW I FEEL, AND YOU NEVER SHALL...", was selected for our publication. Congratulations."

(Excerpt from an email.)

Thank you God! And big hugs and thanks to those of who have inspired my writing (you know who you are) and to the great poets of English Literature. Ted Hughes, William Blake, Oscar Wilde, Naomi Shihab Nye, Sylvia Plath, DH Lawrence, ROALD DAHL and lots more who I cannot recall at the moment. ;)

New Email AGAIN.

2005-02-21T17:35:00.000+08:00

Okay okay...
Some people are a little eeped out by my previous Gmail add (namely my mother) so I am opening a new one:

elegantnostrils@gmail.com

I prefer this too! Lol! So forget the other Gmail account. And Yahoo is still my primary!
Muak muak! ;)

New Email!

2005-02-19T20:05:00.000+08:00

I have Gmail now! Yay!
Hoho. But apparently my browser is incompatible and not "high-tech" enough to support the Gmail page, so I will only be able to access it through other "more high-tech" computers. So note this Email add, but keep in mind that my primary Email add is still my irahsmilez@yahoo.com. Yahoo good! Heehee. ;)

My new Gmail add: hairynostrils@gmail.com

Good eh?
Nostrils good.
(I like the word! I really do! Nostrils..nostrils...nostrilss...)

To be Director, or not to be...it is not for me to decide. ;)

2005-02-19T00:36:00.000+08:00

I would never give up on my dream. Ever. I once wrote that life without a dream/dreams is pretty much pointless. I stepped down from Directorship of the Easter play not because I had 'had my fill' or because I had 'given up'. Never. For this dream, I'd stick it out, no matter how choppy the waters. It is my passion. But passion is no excuse for disobeying/ignoring the will of God...
The 'wants' of the weak flesh often deter us from our main aim...

And even though there are still unsettling churnings of the stomach present, (My left hand is trembling, I don't know why. Bizarre.)something tells me I am doing the right thing. We have but 5 weeks to performance and we have not had one decent practice. The script is undergoing renovations (for the fourth time), we have not completed the schedule nor the budget, we have not recruited the full cast or crew yet and we have limited practices. I am not overwhelmed by this; the complexities of a production have to be expected.

But this is the youth's first production. Our first independent exploit. I understand why some of the youth would prefer for the whole production team and cast to be made out of youth.
BUT I also realize that we are very green and time is limited. A wise decision has to be made to ensure that this project achieves its primary purpose: "To touch people with God's message, and to lives saved!"

Having a professional adult direct an already youth-dominated production, I think, is logical and the right way to go. God is teaching us submission and humility. Put aside selfish ambition and shoulder His cross and the walls of Jericho will come crashing down. God will not abandon what He has started.

I want to direct. I know I can. But I also know there is a difference of 12 years experience between me and our trainer. And I know her heart is right with God and her goals/values are compatible with those of the church and of the play itself. I trust her and her decisions and the plan God has for her. She will bring professionalism to this play that none of us can contribute, not because of lack of passion/interest but experience and training.

I can see the lesson God is teaching me through this move of stepping down. I knew this production would bring bout a whole new cartload of revelations and teachings and righto, it began even from Day One. Tough. But invaluable.

The initiation of this production has already accomplished one dream of mine. The youth has been given the 'go' to have our own production! That's a blessing! We have so much talent in ISCA, we need to use them for a good purpose! And what purpose more fulfilling than to use them to honour the One who gave them to us in the first place?!

Continue to pray for this production all... I believe by faith that lives will be touched and changed!

God is Good! All the time. And all the time, God IS Good...

Amen.

PRAYER REQUEST!

2005-02-08T18:29:00.000+08:00

PWs (PlayWrites) has been blessed with the opportunity of producing the churchwide Easter Outreach this coming March (26th & 27th). It will run concurrently with the Sat & Sun Celebrations (like the Christmas Cantata) and will probably be about 50 minutes, excluding the Grand Finale.

This opportunity, no matter how opportunistic and "cool", is nonetheless serious, arduous and impossible if we do not look to God for His guidance and blessings. This year's church motto "With God all things are Possible!" must be the centre of all our plannings. We need prayer. It would be easy and arrogant to say that we have all the talents and means necessary to pull this off, but in actual fact, I truly believe that if this production is to be successful (successful meaning lives will be touched and people will come to accept Christ), we need to pray and put our trust in Him. It is by no means an easy project. Practices are limited and time is short.

Pray for co-operation from the members of ISCA. A recruitment for volunteers will be announced to all ISCAlites. Positions which require volunteers include:

- Members for AV Team (Headed by John Keong)
- Members for Lighting & Sound Team
- Members for Backstage Crew (Headed by the Stage Managers, Aunty Annie Chow & Wilson Ooi)
- Members for Costume Team
- Members for Make-up Team
- Dancers for Grand Finale (Headed by Oliver Dominic - Auditions will be held) - Extras for the Opening Scene. (We need about max 30 people to just walk across the stage to create a sort of "crowd" street scene)

This is a divine chance for us youth to utilize what gifts and talents we have to serve His purpose! And to have fun while we're at it! Pray for discipline, commitment, teamwork, humility, creativity, focus, that we might not stray from our goal which is to glorify Him, peace, perseverance, confidence, reassurement and most importantly, compassion! ;)

Let us unite as one, everyone, and pray for this Easter Outreach. Not only for the two performance dates but also the pre-production preparation period which will be extremely trying and challenging but also educational and experiencial. Let's make this work together!

"And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not to men." - Colossians 3:23

Btw, Blessed Chinese New Year all! ;)

Two Beings.

2005-02-07T20:28:00.000+08:00

Two beings.
We've grown so different
so many conflicts
so much frustration
Angry words,
pressure, suffocation,
constipation
of feelings
Clawing like cats,
Our everyday spats,
animostic dealings.

When days were simple,
and little butterflies wildly danced
around rainbows be-rilliant;
Beneath pink ponies pranced.
When frills were around
and messy mouthfuls did not astound
You were my Angel,
My WonderWoman.
Your smile and cooing
soothed my woeing,
made the sun bright!
You chased away my sorrows
With songs, prayers
you always won the fight!
Tomorrow was always beautiful
Because you were there...

Then
as they say,
"Puberty Happened"
and every day
dimmed and darkened
I no longer had control
Your songs turned silly,
your jokes so lame
Whenever my friends were around
of you I felt ashamed.
Nothing was the same
Nothing was sane
My warped world
The thwarted battle
I WAS SO FOOLISH!
Like stupid cattle
blindly running
off a cliff
despite the shepherdess
waving, screaming
never giving in,
always hoping...
Believing...

I wish I could

tell you...

Pride was my spur

My rebellion, your strife

My hostile takover

of My Life.

I'll pray for strength to submit,
Humility!
to subdue the flares
For God put only one woman on earth
who infinitely cares
And you deserve much more
Thanks and Respect
that I ever gave, in retrospect.

So know this
You are my role model,
Your job is well done.
Without you I'd never learn
Never grow!
Life without you
is uncontemplatable
I have long way to go
And who better to guide?
There's no one else
People like you,
so few;
your heart, your mind
top quality kind.
God chose wisely
He couldn't have done better

I will not argue,

I'll blatantly agree.

There's no one else better
to lovingly mommy me!

Happy Birthday Mama Chong.
I Love You.
7th February 2005.

Dear God,

2005-02-02T23:07:00.000+08:00

Thank you for today...

And thank you for the blessings you have poured into my life. I realize Lord that I have been too blind to see before. It was you who gave me the strength to walk back into ISCA. It was you who gave me the courage to say "Hie!" and to make friends. It was you who blessed me with love for friendship and others. It was you who gave me the passion for Youth Ministry and it was YOU who gave me the opportunity to SERVE in Youth Ministry. You didn't have to. I ran away from you and church for more than 3 years. I deserved none of the above. You were the one whose voice constantly nudged my soul, you were so gentle and patient; I kept drowning you out. You were the hands that warmed my cold fingers and fearful heart. You brought me back and now you challenge me to walk with you. I commit O Lord! I commit. Forgive me for moments where I have strayed, I am but a lowly human. Devoid of you I am vulnerable. I ask for humility O Lord. Humble my heart, my spirit and teach me. Thank you for the lessons you have already taught. When I sit down and think, I realize that each mistake I made was designed (by YOU!) to teach me something. You do not cause bad things to happen, bad things happen because of my own ignorance, carelessness, disobedience, complacency, laziness, procrastination, etc. I cannot blame you. I have no right. How could I? Your ways are Right & Just. It is only our weak human soul seeking an excuse that blames you. We forget you, reap the rewards for ourselves and bask in self-adoration, narcissm, in good times and in bad times, hah... we curse and embitter our hearts to you for "not answering our prayers" and "not being there". O Lord, forgive us! It was us who did not remember you...

"...Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?..." - Job 2:10
"For though He wounds, He also bandages. He strikes, but His hands also heal. He will rescue you again and again so that no evil can touch you." - Job 5:18-19

O Lord, you are a Father who loves us. You discipline us as a parent would discipline His child. Help us to stop and ask ourselves, "Would we learn if the punishments were subtle?"

Thank you Lord for believing in me and for blessing me with so many gifts and talents. Thank you for helping me recognize them. Help me to stay humble; these gifts are in my hands for a purpose. Help me to channel them into a path that leads to eternity and not temporary glory and satisfaction.

THANK YOU GOD for the opportunity with PlayWrites! From the very beginning you were there guiding us; you upturned every fallen trunk in our way and cleared all the paths. There were so many complications at the start: who would lead it?, who would train us?, who would join?, would they commit?, would it tally with church policy?, would it be your will?, etc. But every step we took, you provided.
AND NOW YOU GIVE US THE OPPORTUNITY TO MINISTER TO PEOPLE THROUGH THE EASTER OUTREACH! Beautiful! Wonderful! Scary...BUT we believe, I believe, that if you brought us this far, Father, you will not abandon us.
Besides, you have stated "Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity." - 1 Timothy 4:12

PWOAH! Inspiring. THANK YOU LORD once again! I love you sooooo much! I do I do! And I do because I have felt you and experienced you working in my life. You are real. And I will continue to pray for strength to stand strong against evil influences which threaten to make me believe otherwise. I pray for those who do not yet know you. I pray that you will open their hearts and soften their minds; I pray they do not make negative, concrete, damaging conclusions about you before they are given the chance to really experience you. I pray that they will give you a chance to work in their lives.

I love youuuu Jesus! I pray all this in the wonderfullest, most powerfullest name of Jesus Christ. Amen!

No, I've got to shout it... AMEN! ;)

A Happy Tune they still play...

2005-02-02T17:13:00.000+08:00

The Untitled Laments continue...

The reins
I must, must release
O God who reigns, help me
please!

For now
the more I release
the tighter I squeeze
My heart, my fingers deny
they will not pry
from what my head screams,
cries...

You know not how I feel
and you never will.
My decision. My consequence.
God's will. My lesson.

Burst out, spurt out
Can't!
Pressure, pressure built
in the pit
That Cancerous Bit!
Stuck! Get out!
GET OUT!
You have no right!

Piteous,
my plight.
The same as so many
Others
who face the same fight
Know
but will not say

The same struggle;
the mistake
of falling...
Stalling
all common sense and logic.
But
a happy tune they still play
trying
hoping to blind others
"Deaf be they who hear our song!"
They hear but don't
They know but won't
The circle goes on.

Yes, the circle goes on...
Save me please
Please...

(to be continued)

A sudden penchant for poetry...

2005-02-01T01:22:00.000+08:00

The Untitled Laments

A silver rose
glittering
and sparkling,
So Beautiful.
Almost too delicate,
brittle,
Fragile
To the touch, touch
will melt it.
To breathe, breath
will damage it
Each petal perfect
flawless innocence
Unblemished white
rimmed with pretty stars,
where a fairy sits
smiling with sweet pink lips
So Beautiful.
Its aura, pearly glow
Ravishing.
of another world
of another world..

It falls, this heavenly creation
onto the ground, into blackened dirt,
its stem severed, it
Falls into the grime and sweat.
Blood, dried and flowing
Stained soil
Strained souls
tread each day upon it
Trampling it, ravaging its beauty
Bitter words, cursed lips
spit upon its pearly petals,
torn rags, tattered shreds
billowing in the wind
Hot, angry wind
screaming, howling,
shrieking its passage
screeching its message
Painful sounds, agonizing
Crushed, opressed
nearly invisible
It lies
almost dies
in the ground of this world
This world...

(to be continued..)

Moan Homework! What are you doing here Shari??

2005-01-26T23:05:00.000+08:00

I am growing. I asked God to help me mature mentally, emotionally, spiritually this year. And true to His word, right from the beginning of 2005, I have been thrown into situations where I am forced to "grow up". It is a liberating feeling, fulfilling. But more so, it is nerve-racking. I am changing so much of what I have built up over the years. I was so proud of all the "lessons" I learnt in High School. But I realized as soon as I stepped out of school that those lessons weren't even a smidgen sufficient enough to sustain young adulthood. Let alone adulthood. But I don't regret what I went through, I don't regret any lesson I learnt. I figure this year will be a year of revelation beyond my wildest expectations. A year of teaching and preparation. And though I will stumble and get scratched from time to time, I know I will not regret any of it.

So hard. Digging out parts of yourself. It's like trying to remove all the pink from the Paddlepop Rainbow ice cream. Hoho...
It is like removing old parts of an automobile which need to be taken out and replaced with newer items to ensure tip-top performance. The best performance it can provide for the best Big Boss. ;)

Also, God is introducing a lot of new characters into my life. Really interesting. So whilst I am discovering more about the complexity of 'me', I am learning from those around me everyday. A little from each, like a fruit salad! It is a wonderful feeling and I thank God for bringing these individuals into my life. You guys out there, all of you whom I consider my friends and free from psychotic intentions, I love you guys! Thank You for being blessings in my life.

Goodnight!

Uh....

2005-01-26T22:59:00.000+08:00

Was supposed to be dissecting a poem for English Lit homework, but instead ended up composing a lament of sorrows. So much for critical appreciation. Haha. ;)

Eye candy
Forbidden candy
tastes sweeter,
Bittersweet.
Swallow and hope,
pray
for dissolvement in time.
Time.
A fire left unattended will die. Eventually.
But nevertheless,
Fire burns
and ashes smoulder
and smoke suffocates
Yes.
But the fire, unfed,
will die.
Eventually.

Thank God for that.

You know not how I feel, and you never shall...

2005-01-18T01:25:00.000+08:00

Feelings
deep deep down
In my heart I feel
So much, so real
So solid, so here...
Exploding.
Queasiness, excitement,
Fear.
Butterflies, literally
Up. Down.
Jerking me around.

Hollow fingers grab nothing
Invisible grasps
Aching gasps
Frustration is wild
Strangling, suffocating
Wild, angry, a tangled mass
O God, will you not release
this broken lass?

A trembling smile,
pursed lips
The sparkling duo
dulled.
Step, step, smile,
Step, step, smile,
The rhythm is simple
but

the crushing, the shattered,
the shard within
present always,
jarred with each step
the marred flinches
clenched endurance
gritted so hard
as a child pinks with pain,
with agony
I cry out.
But

a sigh is all I allow
to be uttered,
To express the depths
I swallow,
Suppress.
A prayer muttered
A wisp, a film
exposed,
vulnerable,
What sigh be it?
A gentle, a whisper,
slight, delicate,
delicious...
a sound barely there,
deaf to the world.
Light in existence
so as to hide the insight
to the inside...
Of the It that died.

Sigh...

2005-01-13T01:07:00.000+08:00

Tiz' a puzzlement. The more I tail, the more I get kicked in the face. It is so tough. So hard. And the harder you try, the more the failures sting. The more you realize your mistakes, the more your mistakes...*sigh*.

What we should or shouldn't do is often inconsistent with what we actually do or don't do. Consciously we all know what we should or shouldn't do, it's so clear, seemingly so "easy", then why...*sigh*.

I don't really want an answer to this entry. It's just outpourings from a guilt-stricken soul. Guilt which is probably needless and brought upon by a trifling matter.
"Blogging is cathartic" (quotation by The Master JC).
Needless guilt is another stronghold which must be crushed!
In the words of Shirley Mclaine in 'Steel Magnolias': "It is evil, and must be destroyed."

(Just Now)
I rolled out of bed, climbed barefooted down my starkly white tiled stairs, entered the back room cum office and tapped my sleeping father's slumped being sitting in front of the computer (as usual it is still beyond me how he achieves slumber in the most humanly uncomfortable positions)

"Daddy, wake up."
"Huh???"
"Go upstairs and sleep di"
"*Grunt*"
"Daddy!" (nudge)
"Huh???"
"Go upstairs di la.."
"Huhh..."
"Can you log on for me? I need to go online for a while."
"*Grunt*"
"Need to type something."
"*Grunt* Turn around..."
(Shari turns around)
(Daddy typing something)
(Familiar high-pitched screeching fills the air)

I have not much to say today.

Actually, I have much to say, my brain is full of things to say, but...*sigh*.

The Sun'll come out, tomorrow...
Tomorrow will be better
Tomorrow is a New Day...

*Humming pleasantly*
Goodnight all.

Alaska in the Sky

2005-01-06T18:28:00.000+08:00

Written during the Creative Thinking Summer School 2003,
Trinity College, Melbourne University.

As my feet left the ground, familiar ground
My heart shook, it quivered
Anticipation? Anxiety?
Apart of the intermingled mass
of emotions…
Twirling, twirling
Pressure building, accumulating
Exploding.
I swallow. I breathe deep.
I close my eyes and remember
the faces, sweet faces
Encouraging smiles, loving brows…
I will not let it flow.
I will hold back the saltiness, the tears
And try to taste the sweetness
without fears…
My heart calms; I try to make sense
The choppiness, queasiness suppressed
I try to look beyond…

Outside. I saw.
I gasped.
Peaks of white. Swirly tufts.
White but…
Of a thousand shades
Floating like froth on a root beer
So close, so close…
So beautiful.
A veil of the world, never the same twice
The warmth of friendly faces, the glow reflected
A gift of the sun, a gift of friendship,
Alaska in the Sky.
Beautiful. Serene. Comfort to me.
A soul-changing landscape.
Hidden above, high above
Oblivious to the turmoil and conflict
down below…
I surrendered my heart to circumstances
I fought no more.
I submitted to the Painter in the Sky
And the Wonder of His works.
I closed my eyes. Darkness shrouded no more.

As my feet touch down, touch the ground
Foreign ground beneath each step,
I smile.
For I left myself back on the plane…
I am ready. I am new.
For if I will it my soul can soar.
I need not be nervous, I need not be scared
All I need is to let go
With trust, belief,
Fall or fly,
I will make my way
To the Alaska in the Sky.

Marnoï

2005-01-06T18:15:00.000+08:00

The dark night sky resembles,
A majestic velvet cloak,
Draped over the Sun.

The stars which illuminate,
Like tiny outlets of light,
Even the dark cannot shun.

Amongst this splendour,
Your brilliance stands out.

Shining down upon this heavenly plain,
Smiling down, looking very vain…

Tonight as I lie,
Here on pungent grasses,
I listen to the nesting birds’ croon.

Whilst admiring you, you magnificent moon.

From ‘Kil-Lya’s Homecoming, The Seven Crowns’
(The Unfinished Chronicles by renowned Procrastinator, the Writer’s Block-plagued Ah Shar)

Ooooooohhh....

2005-01-06T01:41:00.000+08:00

My puppies are so cute. So adorable. So puny. Small things are just so so..Eeeeee....(in a good way!) Eeeeeeee! ChooBi! ChooBi! ChooBi! Okay, that's just scary. I shall stop this embarrassing display of girly banter before all face is lost and I am dubbed *gasp* with the obhorring phrase "Eyer, such a girl."

But seriously! They are so cuuuttee! But their mother won't feed them. What nonsense? What type of mother is that ha? What will people say about me? About my ability to raise a good mother? To...to...

WHAT?

Okay. Goodnight all. Shari is sick and needs her rest.

Blogging is Liberating...

2005-01-06T01:13:00.000+08:00

Two of my insecurities surfaced today and threatened to capsize the boat of peace of mind and sanity within me.

I seem to harp too much on what others think. Their approval, their good opinions are so important, TOO important. What is supposed to be encouragement to build me up now becomes obsession, crippling me, as I conform to it instead of embracing it.

Ugh, what am I yapping about here? I think I'm hormonal. It's good not many people know of this wimpy blogger's blog's existence. Okay, let me put it this way. I fear rejection. I fear failure. And at the same time I am dead obssessed with making sure I am keeping everyone happy. I live an idealistic life in a world which will never support the aforementioned "utopian" mindset; a world which in reality is so dark that I look to God and shudder.

It is pride, another newly pinpointed and there-for-me-to-overcome-with-God's-help stronghold, which has added to this problem. Sigh. So many flaws; I am like a bucket with numerous holes. But you know? It's a wonder God can still use us, as we are all "holy" buckets...

I've had my insecurities breached when a respected individual made a comment about my "leadership" abilities. I've had a feeling that God is prepping me for leadership. (For whatever purpose in the future, I do not know. It is foggy, the future, aye.) He has put me in precariously challenging positions throughout 2004 and even more so now in 2005. Maybe it's to help build my character, maybe it's training for the road ahead, I don't know. But I figure if I can't even believe in myself to do what God has appointed me to do then why do I even bother living?
After all the greatest challenge is not to die, but to live. ;)

So live I shall! Whoo Hoo! Let's go hang my puppies upside down by their tails...

Exhausted...

2005-01-05T23:28:00.000+08:00

I feel so drained. Mentally, psychologically, emotionally and physically, just so drained...

I confess that I am a human being run almost 100% on emotion. For the most of my years I have lived, breathed emotion. And come the later part of my life (up to now that is) I have finally realized that that is hardly the way to live. So 2004 has been pretty much a year of "trying to live by mind and not just heart". And wow...it has been so tough. I mean exceedingly. I mean tough as in the sinewy biceps of an indisputable viking pirate king. TOUGH.

All along my shortcoming has been the mindset that life "by the mind" was boring. Where's the fun in that baby? You know? FEEL.
FEEL LIFE.
Bah. So stupid now. Haha.

The Fruit of the Spirit, that's maturity, that's the way to live. That's how I want to live. That's how I'll strive to live. *smile*

God is so putting my through a transition in my life. But I trust that as long as I lean on Him, He will support me. I just have to remind myself everytime I am down not to wallow in my emotions but rise above them and seek His counsel and wisdom...

Spontaneous Thoughts

2005-01-04T21:02:00.000+08:00

Can't think of a title for this entry yet. I'm just typing whatever I'm thinking now and I'm thinking, "How do you title your spontaneous thoughts?" Hm. Oh well. I suppose that's how the title you (Referring to whoever is reading this, if there is anyone reading this besides me)plastered at the top came to be.

I've just finished writing my resolutions and 'Priorities 2005' list. And I just finished cleaning my room.(Big Wahoo!)I think I've more or less settled that I will be taking my A-levels in Kemayan ATC which gives me another year of mooching about on Penang Island. (Big Wahoo again!)and less then a week of freedom before lessons begin come 11th January (No Wahoo). But no matter! I am going to condition my mind to love studying based upon the concept that I will be wiser and more disciplined.

To be honest, I don't feel completely 100% confident about this route but I do know that I am not ready to leave Penang; not until PWs and my CG (two of my TOP 2005 priorities) have been properly established anyway. I know that by putting it that way, the time spent here in Penang will be utilized appropriately and it will not go to waste.

Extensive reflection has revealed so much. I have been through so much these past few years. I cannot even begin to explain the depth of emotion that has threatened to engulf me, drown me... A real yo-yo experience. I suppose even the yo-yo gets tired of yo-yoing even though it was made with the prime purpose of yo-yoing. I am not made with the prime purpose of spending the rest of my life flunctuating like the heartbeat of a senior citizen having a heart-attack. It is foreseeable to be painful and bring bout duh, death. In a most unpleasant manner I might add.

As I commit the rest of my breathing life and more to God I realize that I have lifted the sieve and in it are all sorts of unwanted junk; bad habits, strongholds, prejudices, attitudes, etc. All of which I knew existed within me but never realized the true impact they had on my life. Bad impact. And it is a nightmare trying to throw them out of the sieve one by one. Each piece of junk is heavier than the other. Through this experience I have tasted everything from skepticism to doubts to depression to acidic guilt to denial to suppression to pwoah, the list goes on. A real bitter experience. I'm still fighting off the after-effects. But you know what?

I have gained so much from it too. I have learnt that no matter how choppy the waters get, Jesus can always walk on it. And it depends whether or not we have the faith to walk with Him or sink into the murky depths. But even if we sink He pulls us out. But we have to reach out to Him first. And in that act of faith and desperation, He rescues us and loves us. A really good friend told me that God has never done bombastically spectacular fireworks miracles in his life, uhuh...instead God has shown himself quietly and somewhat subtly. Perhaps in that way we learn to search for Him more fervently and when we do find Him or rather have the sensitivity to recognize Him in our lives, we experience a revelation and warm fuzzies so intense that we will always remember...and be comforted in future sorrows and trials. I pray I will never forget...

One of the things I am so so indescribably grateful for is the fact that in 2002 I was terrified of coming to ISCA. From Form 1 to Form 4 it was hell, literally. My thoughts consumed so much of me that I even feared coming to church for service. I'd hurry in, hoping to be unnoticed by any of the youth should they see me and judge me, and hurry out again. Pathetic I know. But it was real to me at that time and no one could convince me otherwise. No one, except God. And He did. And I went back, despite screamings from my head and squeezings from my heart. It is now 2005 and I am serving in Youth Ministry. Haha. Talk about a real miracle.

Although battles have been won, scars still remain and the war still rages. But I truly, truly believe I can change. It will be slow, the process, but I will make sure that it is never stagnant. Because...

"With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." - Mark 10:27

Here's to a Year of New Possibilities! Hear hear! *smile*

Sigh...

2005-01-01T15:38:00.000+08:00

Scrolling through the NUS website now. Today is the first day of the year which shall pretty much determine the course of the rest of my life. It is quite disturbing; the fact that I have only just begun to settle comfortably into life as a teenager and now I am being uprooted and planted in a whole new terrain; ADULTHOOD. I have technically started living the last year of my teenage life. I will be 19 at the end of this year... Wow. Nineteen. That's like...just...wow...But the age is hardly a factor in my mass-of-intermingled-emotions-state-of-mind now. I need God. I need Him now more ever...(to be continued- leader's meeting now)

Felt inspired...

2004-12-28T14:13:00.000+08:00

The Truth in my face; at my door, knocking
Knocking,
Soft, persistent knocking
Waiting, waiting
Soft, persistent,
Paitient.
Waiting.
I did not hear, did not want to believe
the truth, so clear
but I had other things to first achieve
in my life, things more dear,
seemingly more important,
deceivingly.
Things now so small, meaningless!
Blinded by the world I was,
Stumbling in the dark,
Pathetically lost.
Blinded by the world;
Its treasures, they beckoned,
Infused,
Lies!
Its ideas, they muddled,
Confused,
Lied!
The Gospel, the Truth,
I denied,
My Saviour I defied
And inside I died…
Because I knew, I knew
that
We decide.
We have to decide…

And so it begins...

2004-12-22T23:56:00.000+08:00

I cannot believe this. I have fallen yet again; my shame kills me. I am a conformist, I cannot bear it; sad but true. All declarations of being a heretic and one who thrives on originality have proven futile in my quest to prove my individualism. My crime: I have joined the 'blogging' community. First I fall prey to Friendster and then Hi5. Now Blogging is added to my list of...BLAH! Nevermind, suck it in Shar and hold thy head up high. At least now I have a place to post my innermost thoughts and mullings. In retrospect that comment is ludicrous and makes me shake my head; why one would want to post their innermost thoughts and mulling on the internet where billions have access to it is beyond me. Alright, alright, I admit that a smidgen of me is kinda excited about this 'blogging' thing. And I like the word 'blog'. I sounds really nice and gooey and squishy. Blog, blog, blog blog blog...

Mullings By Me

The Royal Breakfast

Why Don't I Write Again?

Phwoah...

Silence. Speechless. Awe...

Back Down on the Battlefield

Snippets from my first (hopefully) attempt at a semi-fantasy, semi-biblical novel.

Started along one Road but has gone down another…

Silence.

Blessings: My Answers from Him

Aye.

Melted Butter...

Listen, He Cries...

Elated.

New Email AGAIN.

New Email!

To be Director, or not to be...it is not for me to decide. ;)

PRAYER REQUEST!

Two Beings.

Dear God,

A Happy Tune they still play...

A sudden penchant for poetry...

*Moan* Homework! What are you doing here Shari??

Uh....

You know not how I feel, and you never shall...

Sigh...

Alaska in the Sky

Marnoï

Ooooooohhh....

Blogging is Liberating...

Exhausted...

Spontaneous Thoughts

Sigh...

Felt inspired...

And so it begins...

Moan Homework! What are you doing here Shari??